Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
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Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.