Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.