The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
How do dragons blow out candles?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Cat is stressing him out.