Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
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The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Raisins are grape jerky.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
courtroom exchange of the day
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again