Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
sigh
For the baby who has everything
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.