The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
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My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.