I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Mad Max: Furry Road
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*