another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping