[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain