You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
The days of good grammer has went
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.