To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
She puts the hot in psychotic
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Note to self: always read the final line
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.