[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.