[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”