You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.