ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
nice challenge
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.