Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth