Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”