I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
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Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????