I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water