Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
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director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.