mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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Me if I was a dog
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.