I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket