you know what ruined my childhood? children
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Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Support your local cemetery
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.