Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.