Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Said the murderer.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it