Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
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*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
😏😏😏
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
How I’d get arrested…
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.