The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
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Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…