“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
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I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes