Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
You know I’m something of a chef myself
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
*aggressively waits in line*
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house