Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
You Might Also Like
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
accurate
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?