Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
📽️movie date🎞️
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that