I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
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“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
pls suprot
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Weighing up my bread heating options
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”