My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
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Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.