Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
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Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.