@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.