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dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.