The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
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Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank