Sunday
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“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults