Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’m giving up ice.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers