“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth