I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
🤣🤣
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.