When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…