Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
When he asks for feet pics
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.