If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
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My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore