I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.