I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me too, bag. Me too….
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”