If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
#SuperBowl
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.