I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet