The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
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A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.