BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Received some very disappointing news today
bias laundering edition
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something